The decision is usually made out of necessity, because the person’s health and independence has deteriorated to such a degree that they are no longer able to remain living at home, or they don’t have access to the support they need at home.
The decision is never taken lightly, and often causes great anguish, not only for the person moving into care, but also for loved ones who are involved.
The best outcome is that the person who has moved into care is happy in their new home, and that the family has peace of mind their loved one is being well cared for.
But what happens when someone refuses to go into care, even though others think it would be the best option for them?
A reader recently shared her experience with us on our Facebook page. She cared for her husband at home for 16 years and told HelloCare the last few years were “a nightmare”. She said she felt trapped at home with him all day, had no support, and at times feared for her life.
When she tried to put her husband into a nursing home, she couldn’t because he would not give his consent.
Danielle Robertson, director of DR Care Solutions, told HelloCare that anyone who is moving into a nursing home must consent to doing so.
“Unless the person has lost capacity, you can’t put a person into care without their consent,” she said.
“You can’t force a person against their will.”
The decision as to whether or not the person has lost capacity can be made by their medical practitioner or geriatrician, Ms Robertson said.
People should have an Enduring Guardian in place and Power of Attorney legal documentation completed well before the person loses capacity, Ms Robertson said.
“If the person has lost capacity, their Enduring Guardian can make decisions in relation to care, health and accommodation decisions,” she said.
Craig Gear, Chief Executive Officer of the Older Persons Advocacy Network (OPAN), told HelloCare, “No, you can’t just put someone into care. But the exact rules are different in the various states and territories.”
Mr Gear said if a carer is struggling to provide care to their loved one, they can call in an advocate to try to get to the bottom of what their objections are to being put into care, or help the carer get access to the services and support they need.
“An advocate can walk through their objections, and help to unpack their concerns,” he said.
An ACAT assessment can help carers get access to the services they need at home, although getting access to home care packages in a timely manner at the moment is difficult, he said.
Respite care options should also be considered, as carer stress is often a significant problem in these situations, Mr Gear noted.
Eventually our reader’s situation improved, but she is calling on us all to support carers at home, who are often dealing with extremely difficult circumstances.
Her husband is finally in a nursing home.
“I still think of the people just like I was and I feel so sorry for them. They seem to be the forgotten ones. All the talk is about the carers in a nursing home, and it is not right!
“If any of you carers are reading this, my heart goes out to you because I know what you are going through!”
You can contact OPAN on 1800 700 600 for more information about older people’s advocacy services.
My husband has dementia and he does not want to go into care and I do not want him to. I feel I am being accused of negligence by not placing him in an aged cate facility. Do I have to follow the doctor’s and social workers recommendation? I am struggling financially and placing my husband in care is beyond my financial capacity. Social worker told me to sell investment property (which is owned by the bank not us). I am depending on the rental income to support me in retirement
Prefer not to say. I am sorry you find yourself in this position. I have come across this situation so many times that I am afraid to say, I have very little respect for most of the social workers and so called “caring ” professionals who only see nursing homes as the best alternative for elderly people. Very few have any understanding or comprehension of how important it is for a an elderly person to remain in their home with their loved one and how important it is for their loved one to have them there when they are capable of caring out those caring duties.
I have heard so many times that old chestnut “you are not capable of doing the hard work” and yet, not once has the person voicing that opinion had any observational experience of how well the “hard work” is being competently and lovingly performed by he husband/wife/carer etc. Instead of support, these so called “professionals” place unwarranted and unnecessary stress on the family member/carer etc.
My advice to you is to humour those individuals and play them at their game. Just say you are looking into the nursing home situation and leave it at that. Take your husband away from them as soon as you are able, the sooner the better, and use your time finding the help you need in looking after your husband at home. Unfortunately, having the better part of 15 years’ experience in this field, I am appalled at the lack of true caring, insight and just plain cold hearted behaviour I have experienced first hand by some of these so called professionals.
My aunt has been diagnosed with allsimersmy aunt has dementure
Yes my family and medical professionals put pressure on my husband saying he needed to go into a nursing home after that encounter he was dead within the week as he felt he was going to be out there They also put eextreme pressure on me also to put him there. I said no I don’t want to put him into care and would not do it against his wishes.
I have blamed myself ever since for not being stronger and and demanding they let it go and let him go home
I m sorry to hear about your situation, the fact that they use pressure tactics is a massive red flag, they are evil people not to be trusted!
Excellent comment and I fully agree, have a read of mine below
In my experience social worker simply applied for public guardian/ trustee, which was successful, with no evidence.☹️
Husband was put into nursing home, against our wishes.
TAG then mismanaged his finances
We got an investment property also largely owned by bank to help our son get his own home and he makes the repayment and we have it in our wills that he get this property when we pass but it is a millstone when it come to us getting help because it always comes back to oh but you have an investment property good luck with your struggles it’s very hard after a life time of tax payments doesn’t seem fair that you can’t turn on the heaters for fear of not being able to pay power bill
I HAVE FRIEND IN A NURSING HOME RIGHT NOW. HIS DAUGHTER TRICKED HIM INTO THE NURSING HOME TELLING HE WAS GOING TO A DOCTOR APPOINTMENT. SHE SAID SHE IS POWER OF ATTORNEY OVER HIM. HE HAD A STROKE AT THAT TIME HE COULDNT MAKE DECISIONS FOR HIMSELF. SO SHE MADE THE DECISIONS FOR HIM. RIGHT NOW MY FRIEND IS MENTALLY ABLE TO MAKE HIS OWN DECISIONS. HE ADKED COULD SHE TAKE HIM OUT THE NURSING HOME .SHE TOLD NO. HE HAD MONEY TO GET APARTMENT AND HE HAS SOMEONE WILLING TO TAKE CARE OF 24 HRS ADAY. BUT HIS WANT LET HIM. HE IS AT HIS RIGHT MIND HOW CAN SHE TELL CONTROL AND MAKE DECISIONS FOR HIM??? CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME FRIEND GET OUT THIS SITUATION. SO HE CAN LEAVE THE REZT OF HIS LIFE HAPPY AND AT HOME.
Why is no one answering this person’s question? So many are in this same or similar position and it seems no one wants to help??
How does someone get help to get out of a nursing home and live on their own? So many die feeling trapped in a home and that is so very sad.
I agree, the situation in many areas of Australia is dire, it’s , cor.Ruption to say the least . You need to avoid at all costs to begin with and unfortunately until we get enough Australians screaming at the government to tighten up laws for Vcat and civil and Administrative tribunals to have their right to make such orders taken away from them. If people or the office of the public advocate or public trustees want these types of orders to lock people up, lawyers that represent their client should come back into the equation and where the public trees and State Trustees are not able to use the elders persons funds to fight this legal situation.
I finally got my husband out of RAC.
Trustee applied and got cohercive powers to put him back.
Lawyer made no difference.
Trustee had a barrister.
Emil died on a day trip, 4 days after orders made.
Trustee used my husband’s funds to fight him
Yes agreed , my father no dementia but horrible daughter of his and my sister , lied! My father died being held against his Will in Calvary , under very sinister circumstances . My fathers identification papers never found yet monies and rights used by state trustees without being able to legally identify him . Now horrible sister / daughter is fighting for a piece of dads estate . She deserves nothing !
What ever you do to anyone out there is as soon as social worker comes sniffing or there’s a hearing date , pack your bags get the hell out of there if you can , transfer your assets to someone you can trust . Move to another state , change your name . I know it sounds like overkill , but those who have lost their human right freedoms will tell you , I wish I would had had the advice to get the hell away .
Hi Michelle,
Your friend should contact an elder lawyer and seek some advice. While his daughter may have POA, if he is of sound mind, he still has rights and can make decisions.
An elder lawyer can be found via a google search or the phone book.
Best wishes,
Jess
So sorry for that person. If his mind is good now, I don’t see why he couldn’t make someone else his POW, someone who would take him out, and help him get an apt. And get him moved and all set up. If not, he may find himself without money. This is a bad situation for him, which could only get worse.
Yep this is true , I can attest to this very situation where people with full capacity are being placed against their will in memory care units of aged care, where you never get out!
Because it is a business and if they help they will lose funds. Many times times i have come across this in WA. SAT are useless, i had proof of fraud where family member abused situation and SAT did not want to know.
My friend’s elderly mother was hospitalised due to a UTI. At some point, a SACAT application was made by hospital staff. The family was told that she has to go into a facility and they won’t provide reasons. SACAT have refused all requests for an explanation, even by her GP. They have also denied the family the right to appeal. How is this possible? All searches for help have been dead ends. This family needs help.
Hi Tee
I was advised by a doctor that my mothers X-ray showed an area which could be a fracture and to come back in. There was no fracture but suddenly she has been admitted for constipation. I’m terrified of the same thing happening. Her state of mind is fine at home looking after herself and her dog but dramatically changes when in hospital. I’m so glad I read your story. Hopefully it will save my mum from the same fate
Yes, protect your loved one make sure your doctor is with you and husband. I was bullied by Social Services into saying I was unable to look after my husband with Dementia but I threatened them back with a lawyer and he only spent 4 months in care in end instead of 6 years. If financial help is needed when they go in care the Social Welfare pays you go as single because of your spouses health. Hope this is of some help.
Tee. This happens all the time. Elderly people are now looked upon as cash cows for the various entities proliferating in the aged care ‘INDUSTRY”. And it truly is an industry. Anyone who has an elderly person admitted to a hospital for a UTI, chest infection or some other manageable illness should ensure that they take the person home as soon as possible before the social workers and the other allied health workers try to get their hands on them by and let them know that you will not be intimidated; because if you don’t you will find that they will be (a) applying for guardianship to be placed over the elderly person; (b) intimidating and harassing the family to place the person in a nursing home or (c) having them sectioned under the Mental Health Act so that the family have no rights whatsoever regarding the elderly person’s care.
Any loving family member/carer will know that when an elderly person is in hospital they become distressed by the constant waking them up during the day and night, the pushing and prodding by nurses with needles etc and the noisy atmosphere. They become disoriented and, with the drugs, delusional. This adds fodder to the social workers’ and nurses’ complaints that the elderly person has no cognitive ability and hence the ball starts rolling to get them into nursing homes.
As soon as the elderly person returns to their home and are under the supervision and care of the loving family member, all those things go away. Tell that to the allied health and specialist geriatric doctors and
they will look upon you as if you are a fool.
Getting older in this country is truly a fearful thing with very little protections available. Not everyone is capable of being a good carer and I would put those social workers etc. in the same category otherwise they would behave differently and not abuse their power over vulnerable people. What is viewed as “difficult”, “awful” etc. etc. to them is not to a person who is wiling and capable of providing care to a person they love.
I truly believe that a lot of personnel in the aged care area of health should consider a career change more suitable to their temperament and beliefs.
I am 64 and live alone in the Australian bush.I have had physical illness but my animals are so important to me.For the last 10 years, my neighbours have been trying to get me into care!!!!My home is a bit of a mess outside and they don’t like that.At the moment, both my parents are dying and it is very hard of me.These people have never helped in any way!Yesterday, they called the Police and Ambulance on me who broke into my house.I am really tired of this!Any advice?Thank you.
Tell your neighbors to mind thier own freaking buiness; and to leave you hell alone!
Also, I think they might be after your house but first need to get rid of you.
You should complain about your neighbors harassing you. Years ago, one woman living in my neighbourhood was made to go into a nursing home by an evil neighbor, I asked the neighbor where she was so I could visit and she would not tell me!
What about when the adult is mentally as good as always but just has a little, and I mean a little trouble with mobility? My sister lives in another state and she is waiting for her motorized wheelchair to be delivered to give her more mobility. Her daughters are conspiring behind her back to get power of attorney and put her in assisted living. Their reasoning is that “eventually she will need it”. They are going from doctor to doctor to get her declared unable to care for herself. They use the excuse that they do her grocery shopping. They offered to do it since she has no car now. The thing is, they want control of her money. Can they get away with it?
Some children put a parent in a nursing home because they don’t want to be bothered with them they should stop and think how the parents took care of them when they couldn’t care for themselves what a sham this society wants to just throw the elders away they are still human just because they are old nobody wants them so they say just put them away that’s not right older people have wisdom they can pass on if you will listen it’s a shame when you are active and still doing the things that make you happy and then all of a sudden you are shut off drone the world in a small room to live your remaining years
I can’t imagine many children would put their parent(s) into an aged care facility to suit themselves. My sisters and I had to make this decision for our parents recently, and it was absolutely heart-wrenching. It is not a decision to take lightly. The other point is that the facility themselves would not let this happen – there are interviews with many questions before this can even take place. Elderly people do have rights, but unfortunately when mental competency declines so that they cannot live by themselves, they are not the ones who will best understand this. Or understand how much work everyone around them is putting into keeping them independent.
Agree 100% Rob
Then all I can say is that you have very limited lived experience about the aged care sector because if you did then your views would not be so rose tinted. Still, the reality is so awful that I hope you never do experience the nightmare than can be aged”care” for many people who get caught in the system. Your situation was one of the good ones.
The reality is that there is very little effective help for the elderly if they are abused and you have to have deep pockets to pay for legal assistance and a very dedicated person who is willing to fight the toughest fight to protect you. Advocates can do the simple tasks but when it comes to really needing help no one is there from any government agency. Try it and then you will see the small print and the limited assistance they can provide and you will come away very disappointed, frustrated and terrified as each approach for help turns to dust.
Getting old in this country is a very scary prospect unless you have a loving and supportive family or network of friends.
100% agree I have just put my mum in a week ago as I can’t be there for her and no other family here to help I work full time and mum was constantly ringing me at work asking me what pills she should be taking out of her Webster and wasn’t eating properly even though I set up lite and easy meals for her it has been so hard she us ringing me every day telling me she wants to go home and I had no right to put her in there but she doesn’t understand the stress she was putting me through I was constantly worrying about her
You are SELFISH! Quit worrying about your money and help your parent! You will answer to God one day!
My aunt has been diagnosed with allsimersmy aunt has dementure
Yes, you CAN put someone in a nursing home against their will if you have POA and it is often necessary. Very misleading.
My husband had physical problems and dementia. I found it difficult because I had serious health problems myself. He didn’t seem to realise I often struggled. My husband invited my son to live with us. I then found myself cleaning up after both of them.
My husband had a fall and landed in hospital where I was advised he should go into aged-care. I felt such a relief. But my children didn’t like it.
I was made to feel guilty. But I felt I needed some time for myself. My husband was ways controlling. It taken a year but I’m finely beginning to realise I don’t need his permission to do anything.
You too are SELFISH!! You will also answer to God. I pity you!
I was looking after my mother in her own home my sister and brother decided to put her into a nursing home i wasnt included in that decision ir just happened.my mother has dementure but not that bad the house was sold and i needed to find other accomadation i asked my mother if i could have 5000 dollars out of the sale she ok it but my brother refuses to give it too me as he is in charge and said my mother has no say is that right after all it is her money
Hi my mother in law lives with me she is 94. It’s very hard she has dementia and its getting worse.
Trying to get help is so hard as I live 8kl out of town, trying to take her out is very difficult I only have a small car putting in her walker and walking stick takes up all the back seat. She doesn’t want to go to a nursing home. I can’t have a life. She asks me every time I have to rush to town how long I will be which I’m never sure because I could be going to drs or chiropractor. If she falls I can’t lift her I have to ph my son in law to come. My mind is getting worse. I have to take nerve tablets. Can’t visit friends. My husband helps but he works away lots. My grandchildren annoy her sometimes as they are very young. Also she can’t hear we got her hearing aids but she won’t wear them her eyes are full of dry wax I have to put drops in to melt it before I take her to the drs to get them drained but she won’t let me do it.
The HelloCare team is very sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you Wendy. Family carers like you really are heroes in the community.
This is so sad. This happens so often and destroys lives, breaks up marriages and affects the health of all. Stop doing what you are doing and put your foot down, take yourself away for a week and let the others try to manage.
I have been caring for my elderly mum in her home now for 10 years. She is 92 soon and doesn’t appreciate anything I do. She refuses to go into care and yells at me consistently. I have no family to help . I have no idea what to do anymore. I have spoken to professional people over the years. But still the same thing. My mum is off sound mind but not her body. I feel like I’m trapped. No house no job. And me mum refuses to give me respite.
Hi Ann,
I can really relate to what you have written. I’m currently finding out what I can do to better assist my 91 yo grandad, who sounds very similar to your mum. He is also of sound mind, but is physically very unwell (End Stage Kidney Failure, COPD and congestive heart failure with atrial fibrillation) and has limited mobility, keeps having falls etc. He has been to the hospital countless times over the past year and is discharged back home, where he again doesn’t take his meds or take care of himself. We have an aged care package and arrange for care and support and he refuses to use it as he does not want help. He lives alone and experiencing extreme self-neglect. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
If I find anything helpful out, I will come back and comment on here.
I hope you are travelling ok and your mum is also going well.
Best wishes,
Jess
I have and girl friend in a nursing home and she is only 40 and know I have to contact them to go visit her and I’m trying too bring her home with were she belong I don’t know how to go about to doing this I need some feedback please and thank you and if enemy won has ene y feed bake I would kindly persheate it thank you and she has a garden thew the state so I would have to go to court to get her back home
My 82 yr old Mum has had dementia for 10 yrs now, and I’ve been looking after her at home full-time as an unpaid carer. Though she’s been difficult to deal with at times she was physically healthy and looked happy at home. She never had falls or sickness. One day she snuck out of the flat that we live in and went downstairs, then said she was too scared to climb upstairs again.. (as a rule my Mum never usually leaves the flat). She is physically able to climb the stairs,but couldn’t bring herself to do it. So she stayed in the cold lobby all night long, hardly eating or drinking and refusing to sit down. She was ranting and raving and banging on doors in the hallways downstairs, but noone came out to help or to invite her in to sit down and rest. It was obvious from her behaviour that she was delirious. As I couldn’t convince her to come back upstairs, she stayed there all night, until the ambulance I had called the night before arrived early the next morning. But instead of helping her to get back upstairs as I had asked them to, they took her to hospital. My Mum has always hated doctors and refused to see them. That’s why I lived with her as an unpaid carer, because she wouldn’t see a doctor to get her dementia diagnosed. At the hospital, they did blood tests on her and a brain scan, but they couldn’t find anything physically wrong with her, except for age-related dementia A Geriatric doctor at the hospital diagnosed her with advanced dementia, and with a prolapsed womb, but she did not recommend surgery to correct the prolapse because of my mother’s age. They did no other tests on her, then they discharged my Mother from the hospital. But Mum refused to get onto a stretcher so that the ambulance could take her back home, as they needed to help her get back up the stairs where she lives (it’s only a small 2-storey block of flats). So the doctors admitted her overnight in the hospital, and I went home in a cab. But early next morning, the hospital secretly transferred my mother to a different hospital without telling me or asking my permission. All of this happened a week ago, and she is still in the other hospital. Her health has gotten worse because she does not receive the personal care she needs to help her with everyday things like eating, changing her clothes and sanitary pads etc. My old Mum needs constant reminding to eat, and she needs help with changing her clothes, but she refuses to let strangers undress or wash her, so the hospital staff leave her in a filthy state. I had to help her change into clean clothes, give her clean sanitary pads and help her to eat when I went visiting her in hospital because the nursing staff don’t do those things for her. The doctor in charge of treating her wants to put her in Rehab to modify her behaviour, and he wants her to be assessed for a nursing home, even though she was better off in her own home. I think that my mother might be suffering from Hospital Delirium as she now can’t seem to remember where she is or where she used to live, and she thinks that her hospital room is her private property. Mum has lived in a flat that she owns for 20 years, and now she can’t seem to remember it, since she went to hospital. I have offered to improve the flat and to modify the bathroom to make it easier for her to use at home, but the hospital refuses to send her back because they say she can’t climb the stairs anymore. Although she is physically able to walk up the stairs, it seems that mentally she just can’t manage it. I don’t want her to be put in a nursing home and I don’t want her to stay in the hospital. I want them to send her back home, where I can get the extra care and support she needs for her in her own place. Why put someone with advanced dementia in Rehab? What can they expect her to learn? She doesn’t have the mental capacity to remember things, and she won’t let nurses touch her, so why keep her there? They’re recklessly causing my Mum a lot of distress and worry, and to her family as well. The doctors don’t keep us informed and the nurses don’t seem to know what’s going on with her treatment from one day to the next. I don’t know what I should do. There is no power of attorney, so I can’t sell my mother’s flat to find a better one with no stairs to climb. The hospital just won’t let her come home, even though they can see she’s not improving at all in their care. Please help us.
Hi, my mum is 93 yrs old, she lives with her partner who is almost 90, in the past two months she has had a number of falls, requiring 2 hospital stays and 2 blood transfusions. Just over week ago a fall which required 11 stitches to her head, was told by her dr that she needed to be in full time care. Mum refused but has agreed to 2 weeks respite. My query is, if while in respite, can her doctor refuse to discharge her, therefore taking it out of families hands, we feel it would be safer for her to be in full time care, thankyou.
Hi Janet,
Your story sounds similar to what I am currently dealing with in regards to my 91 yo grandad. I’m very concerned for him being home by himself- he neglects to take medications, doesn’t shower, house is in disarray etc. He has recently starting having falls, and due to medical conditions, cannot have general anaesthetic. I’m worried the next fall will be a break and he won’t be able to have surgery. Very concerned about him suffering. Doctors assess him of sound mind, so continue to discharge him from hospital after every fall/admission. He is in hospital at the moment with atrial fibrillation and due to be back home in the next day or so not taking his meds again.
How is your mum? Did you find out if the doctors can refuse to release her back home without 24/7 care? I feel it must be a duty of care, but am finding that it is much more difficult than that.
Best wishes,
Jess
I agree with everything you said I have been a carer for my wife for over 10 years and I wouldn’t change it for the world we been married over 30 years but there isn’t enough help out there for carers we seem to be the forgotten ones. I tried to get my wife to go out for a few hours with a group who take them out for coffee and a small meal to give me a break but she won’t all she says is I won’t go out without you so really I can’t win I don’t really mind as they say you get married for better or worse in sickness and health. Barry.
Sadly, research suggests that upwards of 65% of carers of loved ones at home, die before the patient!
They are burnt out physically, mentally and, primarily, emotionally, but they hold off putting the person into full time care in an aged care facility, either because of their deep love for the person, or the costs associated with aged care, or the person needing the care refuse to leave their home.
I have very dear friends, he’s nearly 91 and quite frail and she’s 86. They’ve been married for 60+ years and he cared for her for the first 5 years of her dementia. It just became too much for him physically as well as dealing with her behavioural changes. On Doctor’s instructions, he put her into a nearby aged care facility. Now, every time he visits her, she is both verbally and physically abusive, shouting at him: “When are you taking me home, I don’t belong here, I want to go home?”
It has prompted me to study dementia. I completed the 3 MOOCS provided by the Wicking Dementia Research Team at UTAS. When Professor Vickers, who heads up the dementia research team found out about my long experience working with the medical and nursing professions, he urged me to do the Diploma of Dementia Care course, which I commence next month, as he believes I will be a valuable asset to the aged care sector and General Practitioners. I’ve established a new business, Talking Dementia and I’m getting very positive feedback from both of those groups.
Not wishing to make light of a terrible situation, but I’ve recently turned 73 and I do volunteer work at an aged care facility. When I tell my friends, they tell me how wonderful I am to volunteer. My response is: “Volunteer be blowed, I’m checking the place out to see which room I want?”
It will be interesting to see how I react when it is my time to become a resident!!!
I have my mother living in my house and she has way too many health issues and her mind is slipping . She’s almost set a fire twice in my house . She’s had a stroke a few months ago and serious issues walking or getting around . I’m disabled myself because of a car accident 20 years ago and my wife has MS . I don’t have power of attorney or anything like that on her but she’s dangerous .
My children put me in a nursing home. I have been here 9 years. I don’t belong here. I took care of my husband for years with Alzheimer’s at our home. Yes it did take its toll on me but I loved him and I never even thought of putting him in a home. After my children put me in a nursing home they got 24 hour care for my husband so he could stay at home. He passed away and they sold everything without my consent didn’t even tell me. I just would like a few years before I die to live independently. I would be glad to go to a retirement place but hate living in a nursing home. The aides that work here ask me why I am here. They say you don’t belong in a nursing home. My children very rarely visit me and I was there for them for everything. What can I do to have the right to make my own decisions. My email address is karenann313@icloud.com. Thank you so much. Karen Cleckner
Hi Karen,
I have just been doing some investigating on this topic, and I’m wondering if a good place for you to start is by contacting an elder lawyer? You have rights. I don’t know if you are in Australia, but if you are, there are some good resources available. In Victoria, there is Seniors Rights Victoria on 1300 368 821 and they may be able to give you some advice.
Best wishes,
Jess
Our mother does not want to go into any aged care facilities; she is partially blind, and she can do 80% of things on her own at home.
The difficulty mum has is going out into the community she needs support.
Where Mum lives now is with her only son, who doesn’t want her there, now he has spent all her money.
She bought the house they live in, the car he drives, the boat he uses, and many other items for his family costing a small fortune.
Mum has no privacy when talking on the phone; as soon as he hears her complaining about her situation, he enters her room to abuse her for telling family members how he treats her.
We believe he records all her conversations so he can ring the family members after Mum hangs, to call her a liar, to get them onside to support him to put her in an Aged Care facility
He threatens to put her in Aged Care Facilities regularly, monitors her phone calls, and has stopped family members from coming to the home to see her or to take her out.
He claims he has the QPS, Elderly abuse on his side, we believe because when the QPS question mum, she is far to scare to tell the truth fear of being put away in a home.
Because mum is partially blind, centrelink stated she can spend all her savings on anyone and anything without it affecting her payments.
We believe her son is her power of attorney and has direct access to all her money.
Mum has to contribute to the running cost of the home she paid for while her son and his family live there for free since mum decided to put the home in his name only.
It seems Mum has no right to speak up and speak to cleaners, doctors, and friends about her son without him questioning them and calling her a troublemaker and liar.
Family members are aware of the situation and have witnessed the verbal abuse and threats but are unable to house her with them, so sadly, they have to take her back to the toxic environment.
Mum loves her section of the house but not the ongoing verbal abuse; she is scared to move fear of not being able to find things and move around freely like she does there.
Mum son claims him being the carer needs help; he has his partner there, 2 adult sons, daughter-in-law, and child all living at same home plus his mates visiting to have pool nights, BBQs and parties.
This is a sad situation for everyone involved.
I don’t remember what happened in 2018 September, though every where I go people say forget the past. I’m still in a nursing home. Now I’m just in a different on since last June. 2 different states & I don’t remember signing in.
My grandson is my caregiver. I live in his home. When we get into arguments he threatens to put me in a nursing home. I am of sound mind and feel I will die if put in one. I am not incapacitated. I use a walker but can take care of myself to a point. What rights do I have?
What he is doing is elder abuse. Report him to the proper authorities. Record him making those threats if you can.
I live with my grandson and his wife. Whenever we have an argument he threatens to put me in a nursing home. I know I’ll die in there. I am of sound mind. I use a walker but can get around. I can care for myself to a point. They give me my meals as I am not allowed in their kitchen. They treat me like a child. I try to follow their rules. I’m 83 yes old.
When my grandson and I get into arguments he threatens to put me out of his apartment into a nursing home. I know I will die there. Can he do this? I use. a walker but I can get around with out help. I can take care of myself to a point. They provide food. I’m not allowed in kitchen. I am 83 and of sound mind.
Hi , if you are able to move somewhere else and gain some support I would be doing that now. First of all hide your money, sell your assets, I know it’s difficult especially as we grow o,der, but better that than trapped in the memory care unit where public and state trustees take all your money. Hide your self your identity, change your name of you want to protect yourself. These people are evil and we as Australians need to write to various levels of government to express our hatred for the office of the public advocate and the public trustee system under guardianship and administration orders made by unscrupulous tribunal members who only serve their own interests and pay packets.
My husband is starting to be mean to me and he’s starting to lie to people about how I’m caring for him mostly his daughter he is mean to me on a daily basis he is at his end stages of COPD he’s falling down four times in less than a month I’ve taken care of him for the last 7 years from a heart attack he had hospitalization he had surgery he’s had learned how to walk all over again for him. He was mean to me then and he’s mean to me this time around being sick his son-in-law is trying to come in and run the house telling me when he’s coming over not asking if it’s okay telling me when he is coming over. They offered no help at this house any other time but now that he’s his time is limited all of a sudden they want to barge in and try to take over I live here also I have my rights too my husband will be very upset with me if I start putting my foot down and telling them you have to call before you come over. Because the son-in-law said today get used to seeing my face because I’m going to stop by from time to time and I said please call first he said well maybe. They are disrespecting me making plans with just my husband and I want to know what I can do about it please help
More support is needed to assist caregivers. My mother stayed in her home as long as we could. Us kids did what we could. We moved Mom’s bedroom into the dining room and slept on the couch in the next room and listened to her oxygen machine all night to make sure she could breath. A doctor visited once and a while and a very loving VON nurse watched over Mom Monday to Friday during the day. VON are long gone which is a stupid move. Our VON nurse was a single mom of a young teenager and an ailing Mom of her own at home and she travelled more than an hour every day to lovingly take care of our Mom. All Mom wanted was to stay in her home as long as possible and if she went into care she asked us not to forget her. She woke up every day happy to see us but wished the pain would end. We had the time to listen. I wish the right the die with dignity and when you want was available then for her. The availability of right to die has a long way to go. You can write a will to allow you to distribute many “things” but there are still barriers to end of life care. Thank you for caring.
Caroline Egan is very much mistaken and has been purposely lied to for her article, many Australians are targeted by the office of the public advocate to have their homes, their superannuation , their pensions and other assets take from them , and these people have full capacity. The reason Ms Egan is being misled is because the Guardianship and Administration Act was strengthened so as to rule out opinion based on how a person looks, how and what decisions they make , maybe scrutinised by those in the industry as being a basis of disability ( dementia) .
There have been several sad situations where the stories are trying to be told to the unsuspecting public , but because journalists are threaten not reveal these types of real life stories , is because they can cost a journalist with six months jail possibly loss of career. ( see four corners) ( see aasgaa) .
There are thousands of families affected but a stand out is Mr K ( name withheld for legal reasons) he resided in a nursing home , his wife with dementia in a memory care unit of another nursing home. After visiting with his wife before her death he was met with an employee of the home who engaged in conversation with Mr K. Mr K thought nothing of it. After Mr K wife’s death shortly after , Mr K went to visit his wife’s grave only to go back to his vehicle to find the cables of his car dismantled. He called for a tow truck and managed to find a way back to his aged care residence. Upon walking into the foyer Mr K noted that the residences employees were waiting for Mr K along with his bags and belongings, Mr K was escorted under duress and with force, into the memory care unit of the home. He pleaded to know what was going on , the more he pleaded and then demanded to speak with management and his lawyer, he was forcibly drugged and sedated. Mr K became despondent and depressed, if it wasn’t for his daughter finding him and searching for information what had happened , no one would have come to Mr Ks aid. It ended up that the conversation he had had at his wife’s former residence was an employee of the office of the public advocate and they deemed Mr K to not have capacity( yes I can personally attest and provide evidence of these lies told by OPA) , his car cables was purposely dismantled by the aged care home to place him into a vulnerable position of having no transport. He was drugged then further capacity tested whilst drugged all at the insistence of the OPA ( col. Len pea. Rce ) . In Victoria this OPA are becoming known as the Aged Care Ma.Fia. Social workers lurk the halls of hospitals they have become the marketing arm of aged care establishments. Mr K stood to lose his self funded retiree nest egg, his valuable possessions and the Refundable deposit which was a expensive room. The State Trustees Limited were responsible for the taking of these funds placing it into their own coffers where risky investments and high paying directors are paid from. Vcat civil and administrative members who make these Guardianship and Administration orders also draw from these funds. They are all being paid handsomely for their dirty work. I challenge the author of this article to meet with me to show her all the evidence to verify these scenarios are currently happening all around Australia. And it is frightening to think all your life’s work and your savings all your super , can just be handed over to the system that imprisons Australians for just being elderly.
My nanna owned and ran a nursing home for years. I grew up in it as my mum worked all the shifts that couldn’t be filled. She told us she wanted the plug pulled before she was to ever have to be put into a nursing home! Life is cruel and stress caused her to have a stroke as her nursing home was to be bought out due to poor management from selfish family that she had trusted, losing all she had worked for.
She couldn’t bear someone else running the place and not being able to protect her residents any longer. Now she was broke she was put into a nursing home, no use to them now I guess. When we finally tracked her down and visited she cried and cried, she kept pulling out her feeding tube, and the stupid family kept sending her back to have a perm one put in. Thankfully she died soon after and got peace. She deserved so much better but we couldn’t Make those decisions.
I used to walk around her nursing home and talk to people that got no visitors after one day I mentioned not wanting to talk to them as I was scared and they thought I was some one else. She told me it was because these people had been abandoned by family, promised they would visit soon, then just nothing. Some never to send any new clothes in,no money for magazines or new glasses nothing. Simply forgotten by the world that they had given everything of themselves to help build to make better for the sake of their loved ones.
She told me to let them think I was whoever they needed when they forgot and tell them I was there to visit them and they were coming soon when they realised they had been mistaken so they weren’t embarrassed,and let them talk. That their stories others find boring had our history and secrets that never get recorded, so pay attention and soak up the wisdom.. she said if we only listened we would see how much they have loved and lived and dreamed and were just like us. How much more we would respect them and be willing to love and give to them like they had done to us, that life is a circle and it’s our turn. And these men and women were amazing they had so much insight and lives lived large or small they all had amazing stories to share. And all had this in common. They didn’t want to be there and they would forget things only cause it hurt too much to remember that those they had given all their time to and loved could forget them so easily. The mind can’t make sense of this as it’s unfair and not right. It tricks us to hide this truth to protect us. by sending us to think of the good times and we daydream of the times we felt useful, loved and steer away from knowing how many days they have been abandoned and left to die so these people could work more to get extra things they don’t need, etc it’s not good enough.
She told me to think or a time when I was little and now and who I was inside, my inner voice. Did I know I was younger or older? Did I feel different ? I thought about it and said I was never an age I suppose I was just me. She told me I had grown up and my body changed and skills etc etc so why did I feel the same . She said now imagine each day I had gone backwards instead, u still feel the same , know everything u have learnt and go to use the skill u have only your body is a toddler again and u can’t make it happen. U feel confused, sad, embarrassed and a burden having to ask others for help to do this task now.. but u still feel just the same inside and love and give just as much, then one day no one wants to bother helping u anymore and decides to dump u somewhere so they don’t have to look at u and remember each day that they have failed u and be en selfish . Some will be lucky and have family that just cant keep up but love them and will be involved all the time visit etc, and they are the lucky ones. And they will be fine, accepting willingly and yet again sacrificing for those they love. But the ones forgotten have nothing but time to wonder why, to worry they brought up selfish children and regret how they had raised them or are so ashamed of them that they can’t face the truth, some are heartbroken and can’t admit that those they love could be so shit that they lie to others to hide how embarrassed they are that it’s so obv no one cares about them and what that might mean about them. Then the lies get mixed with hope that what they are saying is true they really will be here soon they have to be there must be a reason for the delay etc etc. these people die usually 18months-3 years or so on average. I’ve held their hands as they would otherwise have died alone. No one deserves that. Don’t kid yourselves most realise they are alone when the time comes. And they ache . Look after your elders and fight for them. They want u to but won’t all tell u so, they deserve to have u find a way. And yes it’s all corrupt. They want the house, it’s a business. And feed them all day for under $3 at some places. People are hungry lonely and treated poorly unless it’s really expensive. Get gov funded in home help. And let them die at home where they are safe and included and happy with those they live for. And teach your own children to do the same. Pray they don’t grown up to abandon u when u are inconvenient , no use or they want your house.
I have worked in healthcare for over 20 years. I can tell you that not every nursing home is how you describe. Many are, but not all. My own mother is going to have to go there soon. She is going on 89. Can’t be left alone anymore. There is no one to be with her 24/7. Not even the waiver program provides 24hr care. I cant afford a private nurse for her and my siblings definitely won’t chip in. She placed her home in my name over 10 years ago so that a facility can’t take it. She doesn’t want her house sold. There is a facility near my house that is nice. The employees all love working there and in turn, that radiates to the residents. Its a pretty place, clean and pleasant. They accept medicaid. Perhaps because it is in a small town, being a hell hole is not so easy. People talk. Do I want to see this for my mother? Absolutely not. But, her life choices and my work hours don’t allow for much else.
A few years ago a 93 year old lady whom lived alone after losing her husband on the bottom floor of our apartment ask me to help her because she feared her daughter was going to place her in a nursing home. She was able, went and shopped and generally only needed me or my son’s help for silly things.. Occasionally she would have a minor knock ,leg or arms and she’d need us to help bind the wounds. She told me she would be dead within three months if she was sent to a home. However, her daughter came and had her placed in a home and true to her words she was dead within three months. Then the daughter had come to me and try to justify her actions. I know the old woman’s doctor, and I’d like to know if this doctor had anything to do with her being placed in a home. I feel so disappointed in a society that allows such a wonderful old woman to be thrown away for no other reason than “we haven’t the time to check on her” or any other puerile reason.
I am concerned for my sisters welfare. She is only 56 and at the mercy of my mother who has narcissistic personality disorder.
My mother is sucessfully isolating my sister from any reasonable support, children partner etc and my sister is caught in the tangle of emotional duty.
My mother supported and assisted her paedophile husband while he was alive knowing he was molesting children. He was imprisoned at the age of 72 with 6 discovered victims included in the charges. It was not pissible to have her charged for assisting.
My siblings and I suffer a simlar process to battered wives syndrome. As a victim of my fathers I was elligable for and welcomed ongoing counselling and was able to break free but remained ostrecised by family for more than 20 years. I have repaired my relationship with my sister but had tresspassed and cut all contact with my mother 15 years ago.
All siblings other than my sister live in different countries to my mother including myself.
Having recently visited my sister and seen my mother I am terrified for my sisters quality of life.
My mother is toxic to all around her.
She humiliates my sister consistently even to the point she defecated in the public carpark at my sisters place of employement where co workers of my sister had to get my sister to assist my mother out of the carpark.
My sisters children tolerate my mother for the sake of my sister but now avoid going to my sisters or taking their children there due to my mothers obnoxious behaviour and treatment of them.
I know there is probably nothing I can do but watching my sister at the hands of this toxic emotionally abusive person is heartbreaking.
My mother is now playing the old person fragile card swining between passive agressive toward my sister.
Is there anyway the situation could be assesed by a non biased proffessional and if so what do I need to do.
My heart is breaking for my sister.
Thank you in advance for any help and sorry to sound like a cruel person 😣
Hi my friend is in an inner city Hospital . He is 91 yrs old and has the capacity to manage his life very well eg shopping, going out on public transport having a bet at the tab and walks around without any aid. 5 weeks ago he fell over a table in the TAB whilst placing a bet which he also loves , he fractured a bone in his hip . He has been for the last few weeks been able to show , brush his teeth and walks around like before . He’d also had trouble with a neighbour who conned him out of quiet a large sum of money and now is under some Government Board of Finance I think that’s it . We have been visiting him and my daughter has been asking when this gentleman can go home and was told by the Social worker that they are waiting for a Nursing home to become available. He does not want to go into a nursing home and wants to go home . He is also not allowed to have any of his money which my daughter handed in in his wallet for safety to the Hospital. He wants a radio and a bit of cash . He also has had the same jumper on for 5 weeks . Kind Regards Robyn Downes
Hi,
I live in Oklahoma. My dad and stepmom live in Bloomfield, New Mexico.
My dad CAN NOT TAKE care of himself. He’s 96 and has to be helped getting dressed and going to the bathroom, which can be several times a night.
He has fallen SEVERAL times. My stepmom either has to call one of the neighbors or the fire department to help him up. She is completely worn out. She’s 86 and had a severe heart attack a little over a year ago.
We would like to place him in a nursing home. BUT, he refuses to go. His mental ability is still pretty good. How difficult is it to get a court order to have him in a nursing home?
My mom is 88. She is no longer able to care for herself. Since August, she has been in the Hospital 4-5 times. Last night, she fell. We got over to her house and got her up and in her chair. She said she was ok. This morning, she couldn’t get up at all. We got her up, she screamed in pain. We called an ambulance and she is now admitted to the hospital. She is on her 2nd UTI in the month. All because she refuses to shower. Refuses the home health RNs, refuses me. I warned her she would get another UTI and here we are. She wont eat and only drinks ensure. I made a big pot of beef stew and served her some. She wouldn’t eat it. The verbal abuse if we try to make her shower or eat, is unbelievable. I work nightshift 60 miles away. There is no one that can be with her 24/7. At one time, she had moved in with me and it was a disaster. And now, its impossible because I have a two story home and she cant climb stairs. For 20 years she refused to get out of her chair. Refused to exercise. In her younger years she drank and smoked with the best of them. Now that lifestyle has caught up with her. It isn’t easy to see her go to a facility, but there isn’t much else that can be done. And yes, I understand the argument that they took care of us. But, my mother didn’t take care of her mother. She put her in a nursing home. I am 57 years old and I have two older siblings that definitely won’t take her in. Nursing home care is the only option left. She cant afford a private duty nurse or aide.
you do what needs to be done. Your mother is being selfish and punishing you for no reason. There are plenty of excellent homes so get it done and live your life. You have done enough. Well done.
My grandmother has been put into age care in Sydney by her youngest son. She isn’t happy and is depressed. She wants out. However she won’t speak out in front of his son. My granny has another son, a daughter and three grandchildren (including myself) in nz who wants to bring her to Nz and care for her at home. But my uncle in Australia won’t allow her to speak out and has stopped her from video calling any relative. Even her mobile phone has been taken off her. Where can we seek help?
A gp or an advocate can sometimes make an
inaccurate assessment and cause a person to be placed in a nursing home against their will! How can such a mistake be reversed if the elder person is not given a voice or listened to? I today know of such a terrible mistake visited on a neighbour of mine. He’s desperately crying out to deaf ears.
I am 82 years old widow lived here for 35 years at my home which is paid
My sister is giving me problems and want to put me in a nursing home even though I’m
Able to take care of myself
Very dangerous situation Ruby . Make time and money available for a lawyer , have a up to date privately paid for , capacity test done and keep this with your lawyer and instruct the lawyer to place a restraining order on your sister . Sounds like drastic measures but the alternative is that your freedom is being threatened . Make sure you are up to date with a good doctor who knows you have full capacity and ask for your medical records to make sure it states you have full capacity . Instruct your doctor what your sister is implying and that the doctor respects your right to live in your own home .
Hide some of your assets and make sure you hide , not in your house , your identification papers Medicare , license , naturalisation certificates , birth certificates , everything that legally identifies you .
If the situation gets worse sell your house then claim you have a gambling habit and apply for commission housing . The Public Trustees are not interested in the elderly who have it appear to have no assets . Your freedoms as a human being are your right and those social workers and allied health staff along with guardians working for the office of the public advocate are only interested in locking the elderly up , changing your will in your death bed and taking all your assets . It is a cartel of co.eruption . Please be careful Ruby and take great care . If you have private health insurance for a private , don’t set foot in the public system . Remember don’t give anyone an idea of what you own or what your family situation is , lie if you have to , it will save you from being locked up .
I have POA Durable and Medical for my friend that is living in my home. He has severe Alzheimer’s and has medically been diagnosed with 2 doctors. He is starting to wander at night, halusinate, and more to the point that he needs 24/7 care. He needs to be in an assisted living but says he wont. DHS says I need guardianship even though I have POA. He needs Medicade because he has no assets only 2K. What can I do?
Some very emotional comments here and clearly there is more to the stories we are reading.
I think it’s fair to say that no one really wants to go into care. In most families there will be helpers and non helpers, it is an enormous commitment to care for someone full time at home and there are often two very different scenarios at play. On occasion the person that really needs to be in a facility will refuse to go and the responsibility is on the spouse day in and out. This is a very selfish position to take because the carer has life expectations as well and this causes terrible problems of loneliness and isolation. Then there is always one in the family that will guilt another into being the full time carer, usually with lots of criticism but not really willing to assist with the load.
It’s not an easy decision to make but quality time is more beneficial to all than quantity of time. Everyone needs to live their lives and while it would be great to live long and healthy lives right up to the end that’s just not the way it happens.
Don’t be guilted into becoming the carer because it’s not good for anyone’s health and not good for the family dynamics either.
Hi,my wife has a bit dementia ,she has been in the hospital for 20 days,her daughter has the power of attorney,I had before , but the daughter contest ,and now she put my wife in the nurses home,my wife doesn’t want to stay there, and I want my wife in home.the daughter wants to sell our unit,I can’t afford a lawyer in Queensland,iam a pensioner can someone help me please?
My brother is 831/2. HS alone in his house. I am 16 yrs younger. My health is questionable. Cardiologist, psychiatrist, several eye issues, been traveling to NC from FL over 8 plus months. I have one 26 year old who cares for me.
More and more my brother pushes life alert. Then they call me.
This time I was out of town. In 2000 his 34 yr. Old daughter died, in 2001 my mid brother died (8 years older), 2002 my 83 year old brother s wife died at age 57. In Jan. 2015, his 50 year old son died. All leaving him alone. He befriended aFAMILY from work. The next 25 years, especially after wife died he TRULY abandoned me, his sister, and his ONLY GRANDCHILD. I adopted his grandson and raised him as my own. He had nothing to do with us. Why? Idk. Breaks our heart. The other family had a little 6 year old girl. He took her as his everything. No invites for anything. It hurts. Now, he’s alone he’s helped them buy home, new cars, etc. only now they have their lives. He’s sickly, again just got from hospital. Lays in feces, house a disgrace, question his medicine, never bathes, diabetes, heart problems, it’s easy for anyone to say o help. I’ve tried. He refuses to give poa. I do what I can. It’s truly bad. I’m scared and worried. I’m extremely limited both physically and financially. I call, visit, take food, etc. my opinion is he needs care but no money , will not go to nursing home, he says “I will die right in this house “. So, what, if anything can I do? I’m losing my mind worrying. Any suggestions?
My uncle has dementia (recently diagnosed after stroke) my mum has been caring for him since his partner died in October but he refuses to go into respite. Is there anything we can do?
She has had to leave everything (my dad) and can’t see her kids and grandkids. *interstate. It’s coming up to 6 months now. He has day care visits etc but his specialists have said he needs 24/7 care. I don’t get it.
It’s like they keep saying he can’t be left alone but she’s left to just stay there and he’s horrible to her.
My father removed me from his Enduring Guardian and replaced me with his wife. His wife wants to sell dads house and put him in a nursing home. Dad never wanted to go into one and stopped it from happening, that’s why she got control of his Power of Attorney and his enduring guardian. They get home care and she receives the cares pension. Is there anything that I can do to help stay out of the nursing home?
Our 65 yr old sister suffered head trauma some years ago, has a shunt in her head and cannot care for herself properly. She has become delusional, constantly falls, lives as a hoarder, has around 20 cats and lives alone. Her house is extremely toxic with the cat urine smell, which she is breathing non stop. She lives in Texas, we live in nevada. She has been offered numerous times to move here and be taken care of but she refuses and states she will die where she is. Her ability to think rationally is non existant and we no longer have any clue what to do to help her, she refuses any help that means she leave her hell hole.
What about paying … My mom is living in a house I own that I could be renting for cash. My sister is getting paid 500 a week. I’m PAYING for a caregiver. I’m here 7 days a week for 2.5 years and done with it. I’m not paying for respite care. My money is dwindling. I’m not giving the money I worked hard for because. How is this my problem? And you’re saying I have to have her permission?
I have been looking after my in laws for the past 22 years. My husband is an only child and so all of this falls onto me. My mother in law had bipolar, and cancer and passed away 4 years ago. My father in law is still alive and has many medical issues and has many falls and refuses to go into a nursing home. I must also mention that we have lived with my in laws since the day we married and also have 3 children. I feel as though my children have always been neglected as I have always had to put my in laws first. I have never wanted to look after them and this has just fallen onto me. My mother had dementia and my father passed away suddenly with a heart attack. I would drive to my mothers house 2 days a week to help her for 3 years after my father passed away until I had no choice but to put my mother in a nursing home. My in laws would not allow me to bring my.mother to live with us as they felt that I must look after them and them alone. I have no help with my father in law and he is a heavy man and when he falls or needs medical help he yells at me and will not even let me call an ambulance and makes me help him instead. I don’t know what to do as my husband is always telling me that he cannot force his father to go into a nursing home. I need help.
My Mother was in hospital on some very heavy medication and a nurse got her to sign documents for going into a nursing home. I am her next of kin and everyone at the hospital knew that at all times any discussions we’re either to be with me or at least be present when any discussions were made.
This was a few weeks ago now and I have only just been made aware of this.
My Mother doesn’t have any recollection of this let alone the woman who got her to sign.
What can I do?
I have a daughter that’s and then out of the hospital sleeps all day can’t take it or take care of her kids me and my husband have been for over a year I just can’t take her there
What happens when an elderly person doesn’t want to be returned to the home of the person who has EPOA AND EPOG?
For example our dad currently resides with a brother who has Epoa and EPOG over dad but dad wants to visit my other brother’s home for the weekend. But what happens if dad doesn’t want to return back to the EPOA AND EPOG s place?
Would the person who has EPOA and EPOG be in a position to force dad to go back to him?
We are in a situation where we have an elderly grandparent with narcissistic personality disorder who in August 2022 cut all ties of from the last remaining family member and has enabled the neighbour to step in and take everything. We believe she had a minor stroke, has heart conditions, lives in a very remote area on acreage that home care services to not support. We know she is mentally ill and unable to make sound decisions for herself, however refuses to see a dr or help. The neighbour had also taken over enduring guardianship of our grandfather who has been subjected to abuse, neglect and recently taken back into hospital and not to return home due to abuse, starvation by the neighbour and grandmother and now there are no people around to check what is happening. I am worried that she is now being neglected and taken advantage of. Put it this way, within 2 months of the neighbour becoming involved all family cut off, wills, power of attorney and enduring guardianship document put neighbour in control and because of the personality disorder, she allows this to happen.
Is there anything we can do as she needs to be in care (she is 90) and only person she talks to is overseas.
My aunt was sick and in the hospital and then in rehabilitation. My uncle who is married to her missed her so much that he moved into her room with her. A doctor did not put him in there he put himself in there to be with her.They lived together and took care of one another in their own house. The aunt is being released to go home, but their granddaughter changed all the locks on the house and sold their cars. All their accounts, money, and belongings are all frozen. No means of living. My aunt is in her 70’s and now in good health and my uncle is 94 years old and is in good health. My aunt can leave and has been released, my uncle is not allowed to leave the nursing home because his granddaughter committed him. Please help my Uncle will die soon if he doesn’t get out of there. It’s all about his money. How can someone be committed, when he never even spoke to a doctor or better yet a judge.
My husband has Dementia and another condition. He’s very hard to deal with and expects me to stay with him all the time. I’m at the end of my tether and feel like a caged animal. No one thinks of the carer. It’s all about the patient. Get respite they say – but it all goes back to ‘normal’ a day or two later. I feel like disappearing. Awful I know, but that’s how I’ve come to feel after years of caring. I won’t suggest he go into residential care, though, until he agrees, or gets to the stage where he isn’t aware of anything much – or I get sick myself.
I’m a carer for my husband who has Alzheimer (Vascular Dimentia)…
He was diagnosed Sept 2020
I’m struggling as well with the decesion to place him at AgedCare
And He doesn’t want to as well
But this time I have to take a decesion for both of us… as his behaviour is ascelated become more violence
And my mental health, stress and axienty beyond my control as well that can jeopardize my self and I have to look after my self as well
Today 13th of October 2023… ACAT will come to our home to assess him
and my decision is comfirm I need permanent replacement for him…
Thank you
3 years ago, I took in my mum and lovely old step dad. My step dad developed mantle cell lymphoma. I took care of him until he passed at home in his own bed. My mum has early stage dementia and has become very judgemental and manifests atrocious stories, which she passed on to outsiders via her phone. My younger brother and sister were asked by our parents to offer them a home. But both declined. Which left me with the final decision, when they approached me.
Despite having lost both breasts to cancer and having both knees replaced due to chronic arthritis . I agreed to take them in. Both my siblings own large properties, whilst I had just a town block with a 3 bedroom home.
My step dad insisted that he build a parents retreat extension onto our home at his expense. So as to not intrude daily into our lives. Which we agreed to. But immediately after my sister was told of this, she turned against me and hasn’t spoken to me since. She had been given the home my mother had prior to marrying my step dad. But still resented me to this day. My brother was fine with the arrangement. Once our step dad passed, he willed the extension to me and all of his other assets to my mum. I then underwent extensive surgery for a very large hostile hernia, which had pertruded through my diaphragm up into my chest cavity along with my stomach and spleen. A few months after surgery I suffered to bouts of Covid and a bout of influenza A. I went to great lengths to protect my mother, who didn’t get it at all. But due to all of the coughing, my entire surgery broke down, damaging my vagus and Franic nurves. Due to which now means, nothing more can be done. I am now booked for scans for pancreatic cancer. I can no longer drive due to my hands and feet being crippled up due to dubroitrans contracture and arthritis. Which makes walking and cooking cleaning etc almost impossible. I now have in home care and so does my mum. One day per week. That’s all our pensions can afford along with meals once per day.
Both mum and I have bladder incontinance. But mum has bad bowel incontinance as well. She is 92 and I am 70. My mum has been given respite at 2 weeks per interval in nursing home care, to give me respite as I get very exhausted trying to clean her and the floors , toilet etc, after her bouts of chronic dihorea . But my mum refuses to go into this care or give me a break. My brother will occasionally take my mum, but only for very short stays. Since asking my brother for help, our relationship has become very strained. This coupled with my mother’s continual condemnation of me via consitant phone calls and conjured up stories, I have lost all love and respect of my extended family, as all believe the tales of the little old lady and condemn me. To the extent of my sister calling the police over the false ill treatment of my mother. I am living in hell and there seems to be absolutely nothing anyone can do to help me. Ive had a severe mental break down from exhaustion and ill health. Drs have written letters stating that due to my health, I am no longer able to care for my mother. Her Dr and mine have both suggested that she go into full time care. But she has refused. I have no option but to go on living this way until I die. My health is deteriorating, whilst my mothers is stable. I love my mother. But can’t help but feel, that she has no feelings for me at all. She see me as owing her and that she is entitled to insist that I go on looking after her needs. When I call an ambulance to help, when she is unwell with the chronic bowel incontinence, she point blank refuses to go to the hospital to be cared for. This burden is mine alone and help for me is unattainable . I have literally begged for help. But because my mother is considered capable of making her own decisions my life is completely at her mercy. And believe me there is no mercy in this situation for me. How many others are out there that feel like slaves, owned and controlled by and aged persons rights. Where are my rights. Why do I have to live this way. It doesn’t seem to matter how much pain and suffering, I am enduring every day. My mother has my home and my life in her hands completely.
We have my partners elderly broth 80yrs young whom unfortunately takes sleeping tablets and angsiety medication but does not follow the instructions and drink to excess in fact to the point he has had to be hospitalised, his memory isn’t good either and we monitor his meals and pills etc and don’t want to removed or hinder his independence he is a fantastic man polite and courteous but only when sober, we have removed alcohol from the home but he still drives and buys alcohol irrespective if you can help us we are in need we don’t have POA set up but have discussed this with him and I gave him the number for ACAT to get assessed which he has not utilised (“doesn’t feel like it”) hope for assistance. Thank you.
I love my mum and have been her carer for over 10 years. My father died in his early 60’s twenty-five years ago and my brother died young at 20. There is no one else in the family.
My mum is in her 80’s and I’ve given up alot to look after her. From a financial point of view it has completely destroyed me being a full-time carer and the government do not put money into super funds for any person who is a full-time carer. As carers we save the government millions of dollars but they don’t look after us and the money we get is abysmal for the work we do. The investment of time that is necessary to provide proper care to deal with a family member who needs alot of care is demanding and physically exhausting.
My mum has had both hips replaced and the problems with her legs persist with other problems being diagnosed recently to the point that she can barely walk anymore and there is now great risk that she will lose one left. She also requires to have both shoulders replaced.
I’ve discussed with my mum about entering residential aged care and it went down like a tonne of bricks. My late dad was British and my mum comes from a non-speaking English background and nursing homes are viewed as snake pits where they steal all of your money and you are abused by staff who will eventually kill you and get away with murder. The reporting by the media and what my mum and other elderly people have heard and seen will not sway their opinion. In a way I do not blame them with all the horror stories that have been revealed.
I can’t force her into a nursing home but I believe she’s at a level that she now needs to be there. I’m not exactly sure what to do now. The only other option is to have the Home Care Package but from my research that too costs money and the waiting lists are enormous. Many people have the assessment done and once they are made the offer realise they can’t afford the costs.
Navigating aged care and all of its complexities is an absolute nightmare.
Thankyou it certainly is not easy and I also have a mother that is .89 and she refuses to go into care, she thinks I should care for her till the end but I also care for my husband, she’s not being fair to me at all. I need a life too!!
So many of the posts on this topic scream ELDER ABUSE, I am sad that we as a nation have come to this, all my friends from overseas ask Why do Australians not look after their elderly. the government wants to support home care for those who want to stay home. am I missing something here? Have we as a nation become so self-centred that we have to shunt our elderly off at the first sign of difficulties?