A man recently turned to Reddit’s Am I the A**hole? (AITA) forum to ask whether he was in the wrong for refusing to allow his elderly mother to live with him and his family in Canada.
The original poster (OP) explained that he is originally from an Eastern country where caring for elderly parents is considered a duty. His 65-year-old mother, who currently lives alone in his home country, has insisted that he do everything possible to bring her to live with him.
However, there is one major problem – she does not get along with his wife. Past conflicts have arisen due to his mother’s attempts to dictate how they live their lives.
Beyond the personal tensions, OP pointed out several logistical challenges. His mother does not speak English and has not made any effort to learn, meaning she would be entirely dependent on him.
Furthermore, she would not qualify for citizenship or healthcare in Canada, making her long-term care a significant financial burden. Faced with these issues, OP admitted he was not thrilled about the idea of moving her in, but he sought Reddit’s opinion on whether this made him an awful son.
Reddit overwhelmingly sided with OP, with many users arguing that bringing his mother to Canada would ultimately do more harm than good – for everyone involved.
One commenter summed it up bluntly: “If your mum wouldn’t qualify for citizenship and healthcare and doesn’t have the financial means to overcome those obstacles, her best quality of life will likely be remaining in the country where she has access to healthcare, speaks the language, and is familiar with her surroundings.”
Another user shared a cautionary tale about families who have moved older relatives to countries like the US or Canada, only to find that it led to misery.
“The older person ends up completely socially isolated because they don’t speak the language and can’t drive. They lose all of their friends and support network from home. They have no independence and rely on their child for all socialisation, transportation, and to act as a translator.”
A number of commenters warned that if OP went through with his mother’s request, it could jeopardise his marriage. One person wrote, “Don’t do it! She will destroy your marriage, family, and finances. Your wife will never tolerate it. She will leave after a couple of months, and I wouldn’t blame her.”
Others pointed out that at 65, OP’s mother is not that old and could continue living independently in her home country with some additional support, such as a paid caregiver. One user suggested, “Look into what is available for elderly services in her home country. It’s a bit early at 65. Wait until she is in her 70s and really needs help.”
While many agreed OP was not wrong, some acknowledged the difficult cultural expectations at play.
One commenter noted, “This is tricky because different cultures have different expectations. Most Westerners here will see your side, but your mother might feel differently. Still, it’s okay for you to say no because that is what’s best for your current family situation.”
Another user jokingly suggested a way for OP to deter his mother from wanting to move: “Bring her to Canada for a visit in the dead of winter. Maybe have a ‘problem’ with your heating during her stay. And your car, so you’ll need to take the bus everywhere. And maybe your kids won’t eat Asian food, so you only serve Western burgers, pizza, and bland pork chops with frozen vegetables…”
What say you HelloCare readers? Should the gentleman bring his mother to live with him, or leave her alone in his home country?
