I’ve noticed something peculiar as I’ve aged. People seem to look through me rather than at me, as though I’m an invisible part of the scenery.
When I try to share my stories or concerns, I’m often met with patronising smiles or, worse, outright dismissal. It’s a common experience among the older folks I’ve spoken to.
Take yesterday, for instance. I was chatting with my carer about how I’d once worked at a television station. It was a small anecdote, nothing grand, just a memory from my younger days. She listened, or at least pretended to, before quickly changing the subject to something trivial, like the weather.
It was clear she thought my story was unimportant, just the ramblings of an old man. It’s even more disheartening when we’re accused of fabricating things.
A friend of mine, Joan, often talks about her youth and the adventures she had. The younger staff here roll their eyes and humour her, but I’ve overheard them saying she just makes things up for attention. Joan isn’t a liar; she’s a person with a rich history, but they refuse to see it.
A few weeks ago, I told my son that someone had been taking items from my room. He dismissed my concerns, suggesting I might have misplaced them or imagined it. He doesn’t understand that, despite my age, I’m still capable of noticing when something’s amiss.
Being disregarded feels like a slow erasure of my existence.
We’re not here just to be entertained by television or left to our own devices. We have stories, wisdom, and experiences that deserve to be acknowledged. Yet, society seems intent on silencing us, accusing us of deceit or senility whenever we try to share a piece of ourselves. It’s a lonely and frustrating reality.
I don’t comment on articles very often but wanted to respond to yours. I hear you and I am listening.
I have had the honour of working in Residential Care for more than 25 years. I have laughed with, learned from and wept for many of the elders I have met in this time. There was Bill – one of our Rats of Tobruk, Maria – a survivor of Auschwitz, Sister T who was 108 years who immersed herself in autobiographical books and the one we all strived to have on our Trivia tables.
I’m sorry that you feel you’re not taken seriously. In a peculiar way I feel as sorry for your carers who are missing out on the valuable life lessons you offer and the enrichment of knowing someone from a very different time.
Take heart in our disposable and sanitised world you have lived and lived well.
Beautiful
This is what behaviour support plans are all about knowing the person validating there storeys actively listening
Focused on the individual
No this is not what a behaviour support plan is for at all
I worked in aged care for many years, I absolutely loved listening to people talking about their lives. As they spoke my mind visualised their journey, it was so rewarding and I understood the people more personally. Now I too am old and unfortunately you seem to fade into the background of life, memories and experiences become just your own to revisit.
Sadly we can teach staff to ‘listen’, we can teach skills but we can’t teach attitude. As we expect school teachers to ‘like’ kids, we expect workers with older people to ‘like’ being with them…. Sadly neither of these are the case when careers are chosen as an income source, rather than a ‘calling’.
I totally agree with you. You can have a job as a carer, nurse or OTA but you can’t teach passion and love for their residents. I feel blessed my residents love me I’ve just had 6 weeks off work as my beautiful Mum died suddenly at 95 and the cuddles and kisses from my residents made me feel like I was home. I love my job of 10years.
I love this story Andrew, it is unfortunately so true, I have written a similar story called “When did I become invisible”. Not sure if you have read any of my stories they interest you, under Michael Preston.
Kind regards,
Michael
Fortunately, here at Warrigal Hughes in Canberra we are blessed with a fine staff who are the most caring and compassionate people I know.
Yes, it is very sad. My mum passed last year aged 105 yrs. A few things went missing from her care residence. I must admit, the carers were rather good but sometimes they just don’t have time to listen.
It’s the owners who need to put on a little extra help. Maybe a very kind compassionate person just employed to go from room to room for 5 minutes to listen and take interest. The carers of cause still listen when time permits.
That is so true, I have felt that also., I actually said to the person “you don’t believe me do you” and she was taken aback. You need to challenge them although it is not easy, but they need to know that you know what they are doing
Humans are an aural society, and for as much as I feel for the people being ignored (and I do!), I feel for the family members, community members, etc., who will never hear the stories and learn.
I’ve got some fantastic memories of sitting on my grandmother’s porch, listening to tales of her family, family history that she’s dug up and collected and held dear. That’s my history, too. People who don’t want to be forgotten. It’s now my duty to make sure that doesn’t happen, and it should be the duty of the community to make sure people don’t fall through the cracks like this.
Such a shame. I love hearing folks tell stories of things I wouldn’t otherwise have a chance to hear… if only those who are around to hear were more deserving of their wisdom
As a former Lifestyle worker and coordinator my heart truly goes out to those in care who feel they have list their voice. Aged care providers are so focused on profit that they have in many cases combined Lifestyle into care. The two career paths should never be combined. If anything we should have more Lifestyle workers as the elderly need love, validation and spiritual and emotional support more than ever as they enter this phase of their life. Who are we to dismiss their lives so easily?
I currently work as Lifestyle in a Memory Support Unit, during the “sundowner’s shift”,
I do my best to engage with my residents, because unlike the carers – I have the time to do so. I am so sad that most of my dear residents are past being able to tell me about their lives. I have been taught how to make a special Italian Fish Soup, by one resident, in between reassuring her that her missing husband is “fishing” and will be back later, And quizzed by another about mechanical fixes to cars. I sing to one lady to calm her, and encourage the carers to join in. This lady’s smile is so beautiful.
I really enjoy my job, and make a point to greet every resident as I see on my way to the MSU. At my place of employment, we had dedicated Lifestyle in the MSU 7 days a week, including Public Holidays. I am certain that makes a difference, even if my residents are unable to tell me.
I worked in Aged Care for over 25 years and loved my residents. It was an honour to look after the older people of our small country town and area. Most of them I didn’t know much about until they came into the home. Then their family and the resident became my extended family. It was wonderful to hear their stories, learn about their families and adventures. Don’t give up, I hope there are some staff at your home that want to hear your amazing stories.💙
Agree with everything said. Staff aren’t interested in the residents and that is part of their job. Sad for residents and if only the staff knew how much they are missing out on in knowledge and the connection with the residents. Shouldn’t be in the job if they are not interested.
Staff need to make residents feel validated.
How easy it is to chase your own tail ticking care boxes, and their soul goes unwitnessed. I’m guilty of it. I will remember this next time I think about nodding and smiling because I’m running behind.
Thank you for sharing this
Amen
This is spot on.
I have been saying this to all who will or won’t listen.
We owe a duty of care to listen this man or women is a person not Mr Mrs or other they have lived .
Some times a very sad life and it’s these things we can learn often this explains the way they behave .
Why they complain ,or feel pain , or keep secluded.
Often they don’t have family near.
While I’m at it this is why I’m against non Aussies (unless they have the correct training).
Not only
paper in hands on as well.
Why. We owe staff and the people we care for a duty of care.
Now that I am in my 96 th year at the end of an extraordinary life after being taken into care in 1930 with older brother and sister. To cut a long story short my sister was awarded two Order of Australia, OA & AM my brother became an Obstetrician and I have an OAM . There were times when I was listened to by neighbours and politicians alike ..
Now as I talk of my life or make representations about Aged Care that in now the most pressing issue in my life I don’t get a reply .
Like your correspondent I am invisible but in reality a suffering father and grandparent to many who has earned the right to live the last day in real care and freedom from worry or pain
This is so heartbreaking to read.
I have personally worked in aged care for over 20years and I loved hearing all the stories and life experiences of the residents I cared for.
The knowledge of wisdom is certainly something that cannot be dismissed.
Unfortunately, time constraints and staffing levels at times don’t allow the time to chat and listen intently.
I was fortunate in my unfortunateness of injury time to do care plans and have the time to listen and get to know so much of the lives of the residents.
I have utmost respect for our elderly. One day, in the not too distant future, we will be in their shoes and expect the same levels of respect and dignity.
Ohhh, this breaks my heart. To be seen as irrelevant, and to be dismissed and ignored is wrong on every level. I understand many people are forced into aged care homes simply because they have no choice, are frail, no family who cares enough, and no place else to live safely. God I hope never to be in that position. Living in aged care is worse than death.
Dear Andrew,
Your story of feeling as if you are invisible certainly resonated with me. I am nearing ninety, and physically rather challenged, but still have the heart of a lion and the spirt of a disruptor. When I am with ‘my tribe’ I am treated as an equal, with a long history of achievements and recognition of my service to the community, but when I am out with my stick, walker or wheelchair I am judged, often quite harshly. It is clear to me that I have borrowed Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility.
I have developed a formula to identify the level of judgement I can expect based on the viewer’s perception of my IQ:
Lose 5 points for white hair, and no eye contact;
lose an additional 5 points for a walking stick, and physical avoidance;
lose a further 10 points for a walker, and become a shadowy figure;
lose 15 points for a wheelchair, and become completely invisible.
This cynical little game allows me to quickly identify members of my tribe, and those who cannot see me or hear me. You have such a rich history and obviously lived a life of purpose and meaning.
I can only hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you are able to find allies, and those who will support you as you look for meaningful activities and sustainable relationships.
Perhaps we can communicate via LinkedIn?
My best wishes and warmest regards, Judith
I loved/ love the stories from my Elders. They are such a mixture. Trust me there are alot of us that treasure your stories. Thankyou
Reading this letter saddened me – because I believe this man is not alone in this. Not to say that all staff or situations are like that because there are many caring individuals in the Aged Care Sector, however there are probably many more who experience what this man has and who also have been dismissed or not taken seriously. I have seen similar things in the aged care facility where both my Mother and Father in law were residents prior to them passing away. I did not dismiss any comments they made even though one had dementia, the other did not and on more than one occasion I mentioned my concerns to the staff. Generally they were good and acted upon anything that was brought to their attention but I did note that it HAD to be brought to their attention. Both lived full and interesting lives and their stories and the things they did are remembered by our family because we realise how important it is to not lose the history and things they had to share, and to pass that on to the younger generations in our family. I believe the aspect of loneliness leading to depression and feeling unheard is a fact of inadequate staffing levels and training which results in less quality of care with many residents of Aged Care Facilities.
We seem to forget the value of listening to Older persons stories.
Feeling invisible and ignored must be heart breaking and depressing.
This is a thought provoking letter..
You enter Aged Care and you become invisible you lose who you are..I have seen this happen…
So sorry for you unfortunately lack of education,compassion, experience and heart is a huge problem.
I do believe there is not enough education for society, family and care givers.
Having worked in the industry for 20 plus years nothing much has changed unless the knowledge is sourced privately.
Speak up up and be a voice.
Well said
Australians need to bring up their children to value and respect all ages. We need to create a kinder society and business world.
It is so sad when Residents are treated like this! I for one love to listen to Residents about Their past, Their passions or even sad things that have happened in Their lives. I feel it can help if/when Their behavior changes. Sadly though Their is not always enough time to chat with Them, also some Carers are simply not interested which is sad.
What ever happened to the recommendation outcomes of the Aged Care Royal Commission. Residents were meant to be given a minimum of ? one on one time each day ( I can’t remember the figure but certainly a lot more attention than they get now ! )
It’s a disgrace
My adult step kids don’t communicate with their Dad or me. Living interstate is no excuse!
I worked in ged are facilities for many years and loved listening to my residents stories about when they were young if you don’t have time or compassion for our elder get the hell out of aged care it’s not the career for you
This s so sad because it is all too true and common. Aged care is set up to maximise the work load of the carers, well all staff, with money as always being the bottom line. To be person centred takes time. So many workers have compassion, genuinely enjoy caring for older people and see them how this gentleman wishes he was seen, a person who has a lifetime of experience and who are who they have always been. A thinking person who enjoys making connections, sharing stories, opinions and discussing current events. There is not enough of these people. We should look at how carers are recruited and what criteria is used to evaluate their quality of work.