Heather, a resident of a Victorian aged care facility, penned a heartfelt open letter to The Senior, sharing the devastating experience of having her budding romance cut short by her own family.
The relationship, which brought light and companionship to her life, was dismissed as “worthless” and “stupid” by those closest to her, leaving her heartbroken and questioning society’s attitudes toward love and intimacy in older age.
“They said it was ‘stupid at my age,’” Heather wrote. “But what hurt the most was how easily they could control our relationship — devoid of feeling, love, or passion.”
Heather’s story began during the “winter stage” of her life, a time when responsibilities had been fulfilled, dreams chased, and passions thought spent.
In the seemingly bleak environment of the aged care home, she unexpectedly found a spark of romance with another resident. “We shared stories from the past, but also began dreaming of new experiences — something that gave life meaning again,” she explained.
Although hesitant at first, the two slowly grew closer. “The touch of his hand felt like a connection of souls,” Heather said. “When he kissed me, I felt beautiful and valued — like a person again.” Their love blossomed quietly, with stolen kisses in the corridors and hands held in the darkness of the night.
Yet, their happiness was short-lived. “Well-meaning” staff members alerted their families, and what followed was crushing. Furious phone calls were made, with family members condemning the relationship as pointless at their age. Soon, Heather and her partner were physically separated and the joy they had found in each other was abruptly taken away.
“Our love was like a butterfly — so beautiful, but so fragile,” Heather reflected. “The families stopped our relationship as if it was nothing. But for us, it was everything. It gave us life again.”
A Deeper Issue: Autonomy and the Right to Love
Heather’s experience highlights a deeper issue within aged care — how relationships, love, and intimacy are often overlooked or discouraged. Gwenda Darling, a member of the Aged Care Council of Elders, echoes Heather’s frustrations.
Gwenda has long advocated for the sexual rights and autonomy of aged care residents, arguing that even in care settings, personal desires and relationships should be respected.
“Too often, older people are denied the right to intimacy,” Gwenda explained. “The discomfort around these issues leads to shaming, isolation and even [the] physical separation of residents who form connections.”
She believes society must challenge outdated attitudes that strip older adults of their autonomy. “Love and intimacy are fundamental parts of being human, regardless of age,” she emphasised.
A Plea for Change
For Heather, the pain of losing her relationship lingers, but she hopes sharing her story will spark a conversation about the importance of love and connection at every stage of life.
“We are more than just residents. We are people — people who feel, love and need to connect,” Heather wrote. “May the day come when love in the elderly is accepted as part of living and ageing.”
Heather’s story is a powerful reminder that passion and companionship don’t fade with age. It’s time for families, carers, and aged care providers to recognise that romance is not only possible in later life but essential to emotional well-being.
As Heather so eloquently said, “No matter what the future holds, we will always feel like emotional and tactile beings. Those feelings never die.”
This should nit happen. The home and this couples families have no grounds to separated these two.
This needs to be reported to Aged care quality’s and safety commission.
Heather can get help through OPAN to rectify this situation also.
This is so heartbreaking for her. A tragedy.
It is very sad seeing elderly people being treated like children, love is the natural way of life and no one should be denied the fact that they feel love towards someone else no matter how old they are as long as they can make their own decision. I work in aged care setting and this is one of the rights taken away from the residents by families who are so far to give love that they need
My mum was in aged care & had a toy boy (we called him). They were just friends & we thought that was wonderful for her to have that comfort & friendship in Mums twilight years.
How sad this lady’s family had the power to take what little happiness she had left. Where do you draw the line in the power family have over you in your twilight years.
What a disgrace that nursing home is. I to live in a nursing home and if that was done to me I would find another nursing home where they could both go together. The family has no right to interfere and if there is a will involved I would write another one and cut them out.let us hope they can back together .
So sad for that couple their feelings should be paramount
Very sad. called Elder abuse…(.Emoitional)
I was a Care Coordinator in a low care hostel, two residents developed a relationship, it was beautiful to witness, I made a Do not Disturb sign for their doors. It was no ones business but thiers.
I feel family should keep there nose out of there business. We only live once in this life. Enjoy every moment.
I think this is totally disgraceful treating the elderly this way. Everyone should be allowed to live their lives as they desire. To find love and companionship at any age should be celebrated not denied. This is just pure selfishness from the family and the staff. As for Heather, I say go for it dear and enjoy what time you have left the way you want to live it.
Name and Shame this place
How very sad, as an operator of a residential facility I have faced this situation many times
As person centered care becomes the “norm” one would hope this situation would be handled very differently with the two involved having the final say
I feel very sad and a little bit angry reading Heather’s story. Family must respect the rights of their elders and should be gladdened that Mum or Dad have found a bit of happiness in the twilight of their lives. We all need purpose and something to look forward to when we wake up each morning, no matter our age.
As a retired Aged Care RN – I would delight in seeing residents making meaningful connections as it improved their mood and general health and impacted in a positive way to the resident community as well as their care needs.
I was a nurse in aged care for 20yrs and I agree with heather if v they are both single people and no matter what aged love is helping to give purpose to their lives. Most residents consider nursing home to be the end of their lives and sit expecting or hoping g for the end. Families and staff should be grateful that heather has found someone to share her life with emotions and sexualising desires don’t end when they age.
With increasing years and frailty plus the emergence of mild dementia my Nanna was in an aged care home for the blind.
She had three different ‘fiances’ during her time there. Her son and daughter spoke to facility and others’ families as a marriage would see Nanna lose military benefits from her deceased husband. Loss of those benefits would mean she could no longer live at that facility.
The other families were all kind and loved their family member in care. One of the chaps would have suffered financial loss as well.
The staff at the facility were professional and kind.
Nanna was able to have her ‘fiance’ visit at any time. Two of her suitors died leaving one man standing.
He too had signs of dementia as well as blindness. He demanded that he be able to sleep with Nanna whenever he wanted. At the time I was a senior nurse so looked at the situation both clinically and as a granddaughter. I wanted Nanna to be happy in her twilight years but something told me there was a problem.
When I managed to steer the man away from Nanna she and I talked quietly. Her concern was that he was very demanding and she didn’t want to get into trouble. Alarm bells were ringing in.my head! Then she said he hits her if she doesn’t obey him and she didn’t know what to do because she was scared. She was crying and hugging me saying she was too embarrassed and too ashamed to tell the staff.
Nanna was a short, slightly built woman. She showed me the bruises on her back and rib cage resulting from being hit by this so called loving man.
His family told me said their father was prone to rage and physical violence all his life . Initially they thought it was sweet to see them together. They were horrified when I told them about Nanna’s bruises.
With Nanna’s permission I took photos of her injuries. She wanted a guarantee she would be safe if the situation was reported. She didn’t want to contact to police.
So I went to speak to the Director of Nursing. I was not intimidated by her sternness and dismissive comments. I raised the abuse and need to protect vulnerable women with dementia. I was a senior Assistant Director at a major public hospital so was not intimidated by this woman’s tactics but I imagine regular family members would be scared off.
She kept digging the hole deeper trying to deny rather than even consider the possibility of elder abuse.
After a few minutes of excuses and denials I showed her the photos of Nanna’s injuries. Even then she denied and said the injuries were most probably from a fall.
I then said I was going to contact Advocacy agents for aged care residents, Accreditation Board and APRA. Finally I said if the matter was not resolved immediately I would contact police alleging elder abuse by facility, my lawyers to sue and a tv media such as 7.30 and Current Affairs and staff unions.
The colour drained from her face. I remained calm and spoke quietly during our interaction. She thought fast; suggested some short-term strategies plus meeting with his family to discuss options.
It was resolved when chap was moved to Memory Unit as during review it had become apparent he had shown aggression to other residents and staff over many months. The facility did not have systems in place to identify, address and share strategies to manage residents’ behavioral changes.
Nanna was a different person once he was unable to bother her. She smiled, sang and even danced in the day room with carers.
The facility invested in individual IT for all staff so that nursing observations were available to all authorised to use the system.
There were workshops with all staff to discuss resident safety. Families received questionnaires for care improvement and there were regular staff/ resident/ family meetings to improve care.
Nanna died 6 months later but had enjoyed the last few months there.
Please remember we are living feeling beings until we die
Hi Heather, I am so very sorry to hear your family did not understand and support you in the love you found while in residential care.
It is cruel and heartbreaking for both of you that you have been separated without your feelings and wellbeing being taken into consideration.
You do have rights as an elderly person and as an aged care resident and the new Aged Care Standards put the resident at the centre of their own care.
As an aged care clinical nurse and residential care manager I am very passionate about advocating for the rights of the residents.
My thoughts are with you.
This happened to my mum as well. She was absolutely glowing and once when I asked her where she was when he had kissed her she replied “in heaven“. Then a young staff member permanently separated them by saying he was “masking her symptoms of dementia and not making her Independent“. After that she grieved so badly she never really came out of her deep sadness. Although happily married to my dad (who had died several years earlier) for more than 50 years this was not any reflection on their relationship but just a beautiful romance which gave her short term joy. Shame on that staff member but unfortunately I also blame myself for listening to them and not protesting.
I wish Heather story would be heard and reflected to everyone involve in our beloved elderly community that the their quality of life is our main goal. Keeping them happy and respected through the last page of their life.
I just feel sad that we are living in this era where everyone has individual needs and no one take care of their autonomy.How can other person controlled what they do,think and feel.
We often forget people who are in nursing homes and retirement villages ,they have been neglected.people assume that they won’t b able to make decisions but it’s not true if they are capable of making decisions they can.
I wish people mindset will change and this story will bring some good changes in Geriatric population.
It is incredible to think that older people do not have feelings or romantic thoughts at any age. Unless someone is considered unable to make their own decisions, no-one, relatives, extended family or friends have the right to take away something which may benefit the resident. Was this resident given the right to challenge, to state her intentions, and him given the right as well? If the answer is No, then this is criminal.
As such, the only people who have that right is the Power of Attorney which allows such decisions to be made. Even that can be revoked by the resident themselves if they can show they are of a sound mind. Also, the staff also may have their own reasons for breaking their professionally. It is not up to staff to “Tell” on their clients and to do so should have gone through formal channels, ensuring the rights of both individuals and their rights were closely examined and all open and frank discussions held. If necessary, a lawyer should have been consulted.
Take them out of your will, they are not interested in you, your welfare or your happiness. I am totally dumbfounded at what they were thinking, if you’re family and staff thought it was better for you. They forget that one day they may be in the same position