Aug 23, 2017

How to Get Over Guilty Feelings for Placing a Parent in a Nursing Home

Humans are compassionate, caring and empathetic beings by nature. That’s why you may feel guilty when placing a parent in a nursing home. But remember, what you are feeling is natural, and you aren’t alone.

In fact, in Australia in 2011, there were over 160,000 people living in residential aged care facilities full-time. Deciding to place a parent in a nursing home is not easy, but sometimes it is the better option for all and not something to feel guilty about.

Reasons why caregivers feel guilty

Even if it is the better option, people still have overwhelming feelings of sadness and guilt when placing a parent in a nursing home. Some of the common reasons behind those feelings are:

  • It goes against our natural instincts. People want to nurture and care for loved ones and to provide a safe, loving environment for them.
  • For some people it may feel as though they are handing their parents over to strangers or even betraying them.
  • Some people assume that it goes against cultural, religious or familial expectations. You might feel as though you aren’t living up to what others presume as your responsibility.
  • As a caregiver, you may sometimes feel guilty when you are having a good time, or living your life in a normal way rather than caring for your parent at home.
  • When a parent is in nursing care, you may feel relieved that they are in a safe situation and you no longer have to worry about them day in and day out. These feelings of relief may cause you to feel guilty or selfish.

Forgive yourself so you can stop feeling guilt

You love your parent and no matter what happens, it is common to feel emotional during difficult transitions like moving into a nursing home. It’s not always easy, but you need to cut yourself some slack, forgive yourself and stop feeling guilty.

When a parent is in a nursing home, the burden of their day-to-day care is no longer on you. For that reason you can focus on spending quality time with them, finally. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and anxious while a parent is in your care, you’ll feel relaxed and calm during visits. You’ll be able to build a relationship with them that you both can cherish.

Also, it’s important to remember that your life really does matter, too. It’s just as important for you to take care of your health and psychological well-being as it is to take care of your parent’s. And, at the end of the day remember, guilt won’t change anything. It will just make you feel terrible.

Tips for the first few days

When you finally move your parent into a nursing home, there is always a lot happening at the beginning. The actual moving process, signing all the papers, meeting staff members and seeing the other residents. Everything seems to happen at once and this is when feelings of guilt are easily magnified. Just remember, these are your first reactions and they happen under stressful circumstances. Give yourself time to adjust and you will soon see things in a different light.

Here are some tips to help make the first few days a little easier for you and your parent:

  • Get to know the people who are caring for your parent before you move in.
  • Get to know the other residents by visiting in advance.
  • Help caregivers and other residents get to know your parent by making introductions and having a chat about personal stories.
  • Get to know the program at the nursing home and what activities are available.
  • Take part in some of the activities with your parent so they won’t feel shy the first few days.
  • Set up a visiting schedule for all family members if possible. You don’t need to be there every day, all day.
  • Make plans in advance for how you’ll leave the nursing home the first day. This will be the most difficult time emotionally and there is no reason to make it harder on yourself. Discuss the topic with staff members to see what they suggest. They might stay with your parent as you are leaving and say good-bye together. Or, it may be easier to leave while your parent is happy and involved in a task or chatting with another resident during a meal.
  • Discuss your feelings with friends, family or the social worker at the nursing home. Don’t become overwhelmed with guilt and keep it to yourself. It is important to have a strong support system.

Today, more and more people are choosing the option of nursing home care for their parents, and it is natural to struggle with feelings of guilt. But, it is important to get over the feelings of guilt, know that you’re doing your best and remember that you are only human, after all.

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  1. My mum and I haven’t been close over the years, but then last year she had a couple of TIA’s and could not live at home anymore. I used to see her once per week( 100km round trip) . I found a good nursing home near me. I visit Wednesday and Sunday, do her laundry and her mail is posted to me. I am now expected to know all about her health, finance etc which I was never privy to before. No-one has ever asked if I even want to do this stuff ,it’s just expected that I will do it( sadly I agreed to power of attorney). I was a nurse in an ED until I was assaulted Xmas day , so I am going through my own hell ATM . Last Sunday i was unwell and told her I couldn’t visit but she put on the sad 4 yr old face and said how was she going to get her Sunday Mail ( a newspaper ). So I crawled out of bed and got her the paper and delivered it, like a good little girl. She’s killing me slowly, it sounds like nothing but it’s all these little things that , I don’t want to / can’t deal with ATM. HOW do I cut this cord ?? She gave me some money to pay off the mortgage after a nasty divorce , so I feel obligated / forever tied . I’m 62 and want my own life , she’s 92 and been retired for over 30yrs and will probably live till 100. The guilt /tie is overwhelming . I want to shift inter state, but feel I shouldn’t can’t morally leave her. Shit when is it my turn at life 🙁 . I see a councillor regular , but if you can shed some light on how to deal with these feelings of obligation , I would be very grateful

    1. Peta it sounds like your mother is a narcissist. She has brought you up to feel guilt and shame and do what she wants. Please read Dr Carole McBrides Daughters of narcissistic mothers to understand how to overcome the guilt. And Terri Cole you tube channel psychologist covers this topic and boundaries really well. If your mother cares more about her Sunday paper than what you are going through (or never bothers to ask how you really are) then she is no real mother. The money was just another manipulative tool. You’ve done enough – she’s safe and secure in the nursing home. Look into signing over power of attorney to a court ordered nominee, move away. Explain without detail you’ve had trauma and can no longer continue to be responsible. Call her and or occasionally visit when it suits you, show her compassion and respect but if she bitches and moans that it’s not enough you are not enough set a boundary that if she is like that you will not call or visit as often until she can show you decency and respect. She might tell others what a terrible daughter you are, but stand in your own power and know the truth in yourself. Use resources to understand how she uses guilt and shame to manipulate you into doing her bidding. This is not a reciprocal or healthy relationship- take steps to heal yourself now. I have done no less myself. Much love.

    2. Going through the same circumstances. I am 59 and have looked after my 88 year old mum and 92year old dad for 5 years…. I am worn out.. mentally n physically. Dad will not leave his home and is not well. Mum finally relented and went into a nursing home…. But my mind is constantly thinking about them… it’s as if I do not have any downtime. My mind is constantly riddled with guilt that mum is in a nursing home and dad is on his own when I am not there, mind you I am there every 2nd day and I visit mum every 2nd day, so my life is consumed with them.

      1. Hi Mary
        I was in the same situation as you My Mum had Dementia and I cared for her for a few years but after a few years she then got Sundowners and Delirium and she wasn’t sleeping much of a night time so because I was very tired and run down I was advised from Doctors from the hospital to put My Mum into a nursing home so I had to make the decision of putting her into a nursing home all by myself,I had no help from anyone else in My Birth Family because they all sadly passed away at a young Adult age.
        My plan was to bring My Mum back home if she could get into a better sleeping pattern but that never happened.I too went in to visit My Mum every second day and I rang up every morning and every night to see how she was,even on the days that I was visiting her.
        I was riddled with guilt from when I first had to put her into care.
        Sadly My Mum passed away 10 weeks after going into care after having a fall,she broke her hip and the next day she was operated on and sadly My Mum passed away while under the general antisetic.
        That was just over 2 years ago now and I still feel like I can’t cope with the guilt.
        Thinking of you too.

        Regards
        Carol

  2. To whom it may concern
    Hi I would like to know if I can get some help?
    I need to see a counsellor on a regular basis at the moment.
    My Mum passed away just over 2 years ago and I just can’t get over it plus I am not coping because after looking after My Mum for a few years when she had Dementia I then had to put My Mum into fulltime care because she then got Sundowners and Delirium and she just wasn’t sleeping much of a night time anymore,I was always feeling guilty but when My Mum Sadly Passed away 10 weeks after being in the nursing home I haven’t been able to cope since,because My plan was to bring My Mum back home if she had of got into a better sleeping routine but sadly that never happened.
    I am on a carers pension and I would like to know if I could see someone who bulk bills.
    I live in Helensvale on the Gold Coast Qld.

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